Well, as suspected, this Christmas was harder than usual. It was entirely too stressful and there was something about opening my gifts that truly defined.. "You still are childless and will be childless" inside my head. Just countless thoughts roll through the mind of someone who is struggling with "infertility." For instance, most wouldn't think this, but if we aren't pregnant by April, we'll be empty-handed for next Christmas as well (4 Christmas in counting).

Saturday we did Charley's family Christmas and yesterday we did my extended family and then today we did my family Christmas. Each day, it got increasingly tougher. You can't explain the feelings that have gone through our minds. I spent quite a bit of today just crying. Why? Sounds like I'm sulking in my own misery, and maybe I am, but everytime I talk to someone about our failed IVF and I describe it as a "Miscarriage without a miscarriage" they all say, but it is a "miscarriage." Gosh, did I really just join that club too? I hope my membership to all these helpless, depressing clubs expire this next year. That's my only hope and wish for the new year. I think the crying is instigated by watching my brothers helping their kids (well, Danny helping his girlfriends 4 kids - still he does so much for them and he really cares about those kids - It's amazing watching him with them.) with Christmas while Charley & I just sit there and watch and wonder..when will it be our turn? Will it ever be? I just felt so alone and sad today. Today was supposed to be the day we were going to share our news with our family....and...instead...we sat there.. opened all these gifts.. and inside each gift was just something else to help bandaid our empty hearts. I was so sad opening all my gifts (and I still have some I haven't opened) because I knew inside each package was not what I wanted for Christmas. It was just something else to remind me that our home is still a family of 2.

Maybe all this IS sulking, complaining, seeking self-pity. At least, that is what it seems everyone thinks of my thoughts lately. But, in reality, this is normal. These feelings are normal. This emptiness and lack of self-worth, feelings of inadequacy, etc. are all so normal of someone experiencing infertility to this degree. I haven't given up hope. I haven't lost my will to have a biological child, nor has Charley. But, it doesn't make the process any easier. We will continue through a second IVF...we will do what we have to in order to have a child, but no one can understand our thoughts and hurts. We wish you could so the questions and ackward moments would go away, but it just really can't be described.

Our appointment is tomorrow morning. We're looking forward to some answers and some hope. I, more than anything, need this to be here. I need something to look forward too. I need some relief from grieving of our lost embryos. I need to know this next IVF CAN work.. I need that hope. Even though I've wished this Christmas away, I'm looking forward to the New Year. Hopefully it's a new year filled with hopes and possibilities.

Thanks to all our family and friends who have stuck by us during this difficult time. Just going somewhere to get my mind off this has been great. Like we said in a previous post, please do not judge us by decisions that you think are irrational...sometimes..they are our only means to cope.

Oh, and my Crohn's is a mess. It's all too reminiscent of last Christmas. My Remicade appointment is Thursday, so I should have some relief by Saturday. At least this year, I know what to expect and I know how to eat to avoid too many big problems. On a positive note, it seems the progesterone I was on for my IVF actually helped keep my Crohn's symptoms away for an extra 7-10 days. That was a blessing in disguise.

I'll post more tomorrow once I have some more definitive answers. I hope you all had (are having) a Merry Christmas and may the new year bless you and yours.