We (I) had my 1st blood draw for this IVF yesterday.  They checked my E2 (Estrogen) level.  It's good.  It's 447, which is almost triple what it was last time at this time of the cycle.  The bumped me down in meds just a little bit, but I still will probably have a ton of eggs in there to count tomorrow.  I've been bloating up a bit, so I imagine this cycle is going to be harder than last.

I made a comment to my nurse yesterday that I just feel like I'm "going through the motions" at this point.  It's so normal.  I'm not at all excited about this IVF, as I know all too well the pain it can bring.  I don't want to focus on the happiness, because if I get my hopes up, what if it fails again?  There's no real good way to look at this one.  This is it.  If this doesn't work and there are no eggs left to freeze so we may have a chance at doing a frozen embryo transfer later in the future....well....then...this is it.  It's been a hard thing to wrap my brain around.  All I ever wanted to do was to become a mother, and now I'm having major feelings of hopelessness in that department.  And, if you are wondering "Why don't you guys adopt?"  It's not that simple.  For one, I have an issue with someone coming into my home and telling me that I can or can't have a baby when there are teenagers and mothers who abandon their children having babies all the time.  I will put a roof over their head in a nice home, I will feed them with money earned from a good stable job, and I will love them with all my heart.. what more do I need to prove?  No other mother who concieves a child has to prove they can take care of a child.  Yet, when you adopt, you have to prove it.  Secondly, we don't qualify.  Why?  Well, 1 - I'm not 30 (Charley is) and most agencies (at least overseas - and those are typically the cheapest and easiest routes) and the real kicker 2 - I have a chronic illness that will require lifetime medication - Crohn's disease.  Fabulous isn't it?  Now, not only am I being shot down because I can't have children...I'm also being shot down because I have a chronic illness that I didn't cause...I was BORN with.  and thirdly, let's just say that adoption is FAR more expensive than IVF.  The price has shot up dramatically - around $20,000-$30,000.  We could fosteradopt, but then worry about those children being taken back to their birthparents and then there is a private domestic adoption, which, well, would cost a ton more and we have no idea if the birthmother would change their minds in the end.  It's just not realistic.

We have our 1st ultrasound and 2nd E2 tomorrow.  So, they'll look at the eggs, measure them, and then compare it to my E2 level and from there determine any dosage changes.

I have my IVIg set-up for Friday morning at 8:00 am.  They are doing a home infusion, which is nice, but I'm still nervous.  It's so expensive and beyond that what if I have a reaction at home?  I think I'll be ok, granted I've been able to accept mouse protein (that is what Remicade is derived from), but there is still that concern.  I talked to my IVIg nurse the other day.  Her name is Ruth and she sounds super sweet and doesn't live far from us.  So, we'll rendezvous at my house on Friday morning.  It should take anywhere from 4-6 hours.  I'd say closer to 6 hours.