The most difficult decision....
Posted by Kaycie and Charley at 5/17/2007 7:20 AM and is filed under uncategorized 
....to do surgery or not?
So, last week when we had the bladder tap/cordocentesis attempt and we ended up with the bladder tap, I was the one so sure to do it and Charley was the one so not sure to do it. Now, with surgery on the horizon, I'm the one unsure and Charley is the one sure.
I don't know why I'm having such a hard time. In fact, this whole plan was my idea anyway. 1 Bladder tap, 1 shunt now and if it was possible, 1 shunt near or after 28 weeks and leave the rest in God's hands. I sought Dr. Q because I knew he would be more apt to do this kind of approach than any other fetal surgeon. Now, I have paced this decision for 2 days and dug myself further into a hole instead of closer to a decision.
Today is the cutoff...and I'm just torn.. completely and utterly torn. If we do surgery on Tuesday, I have to stop my baby aspirin tonight, 5 days before surgery.
I'm fearful of losing both my girls, yet I'd feel selfish if I let Reagan go just because I couldn't overcome my fears. These girls know each other better than I do right now.
I'm fearful of pre-term labor that jeopardizes both their health.
I'm fearful that if we don't do surgery and I lose both of them anyway due to something else that I will regret not trying to save Reagan.
Maybe this is all hesitation from being in the OR and being scared out of my whits end as they poke 3 8inch 22 guage needles through my stomach and through her placenta. I was wide awake through the whole thing and felt it all. And, via ultrasound, I saw the needle go straight into her bladder.
Maybe my nephew's birth tomorrow is not helping me. To see a happy healthy baby tomorrow... I don't know if it'll be hard or not. So happy for him to be here, yet it gently reminds me of what I may not have.
A no surgery decision makes me feel selfish and empty.
A surgery decision frightens me more than anything in my life because I know it may not help Reagan enough or that I may lose both of the girls.
Guidance...guidance...guidance... I hope and pray for guidance...
So, last week when we had the bladder tap/cordocentesis attempt and we ended up with the bladder tap, I was the one so sure to do it and Charley was the one so not sure to do it. Now, with surgery on the horizon, I'm the one unsure and Charley is the one sure.
I don't know why I'm having such a hard time. In fact, this whole plan was my idea anyway. 1 Bladder tap, 1 shunt now and if it was possible, 1 shunt near or after 28 weeks and leave the rest in God's hands. I sought Dr. Q because I knew he would be more apt to do this kind of approach than any other fetal surgeon. Now, I have paced this decision for 2 days and dug myself further into a hole instead of closer to a decision.
Today is the cutoff...and I'm just torn.. completely and utterly torn. If we do surgery on Tuesday, I have to stop my baby aspirin tonight, 5 days before surgery.
I'm fearful of losing both my girls, yet I'd feel selfish if I let Reagan go just because I couldn't overcome my fears. These girls know each other better than I do right now.
I'm fearful of pre-term labor that jeopardizes both their health.
I'm fearful that if we don't do surgery and I lose both of them anyway due to something else that I will regret not trying to save Reagan.
Maybe this is all hesitation from being in the OR and being scared out of my whits end as they poke 3 8inch 22 guage needles through my stomach and through her placenta. I was wide awake through the whole thing and felt it all. And, via ultrasound, I saw the needle go straight into her bladder.
Maybe my nephew's birth tomorrow is not helping me. To see a happy healthy baby tomorrow... I don't know if it'll be hard or not. So happy for him to be here, yet it gently reminds me of what I may not have.
A no surgery decision makes me feel selfish and empty.
A surgery decision frightens me more than anything in my life because I know it may not help Reagan enough or that I may lose both of the girls.
Guidance...guidance...guidance... I hope and pray for guidance...
Kaycie, I wish I could make this decision for you but I can't. All I can do is let you know that whatever you and Charley finally decide I will support you to the fullest of my ability. However, your God has never let you down, He has shown you His power and His love for you. Follow you heart and faith in God and whatever you decide will be the right decision. I will continue to pray for all of you, I know right now there is not light at the end of the tunnel, but there will be just hold on. He tells us in His word, "When you have done all you can do just stand" Stand in your faith, and His mercy and power. We love you and are right beside you. I'm here if you need to talk or just bounce words and ideas off me. Love, Elma
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