Yes, I shouldn't apologize for not posting in a few days, but so many of you follow this blog and keep our family in your thoughts and prayers, that I have feel guilty when too much time passes.

Most of you know it was a difficult week, but for me, I can say I'm at peace.  There will be difficult days ahead, but Reagan is now in the arms of Jesus and watching down on her sister.  What a special gift they have.

So, let me start with some things about Reagan first.
Tuesday was a busy day getting ready for her funeral.  We spent quite a bit of time between Target and the mall picking up momentos to help us remember our little girl.  We found some beautiful things.  Charley wanted to get me a mother's ring, but I couldn't find anything that I liked and it needed to be ordered, we found some beautiful Peridot, the stone for August, at the jewelry store here.  I got some simply studs, a simple necklace, and a simple ring.  I wore it on the day of Reagan's funeral.  It was something I needed.  We'll find a mother's ring later.  We also found some picture frames and so other things to house our memories of Reagan.  It was a long, tiring day, but we made it through.  It was late before either of us went to sleep because we were up sorting through pictures of the girls getting ready.

I got up really early the day of the funeral to work on the slide show we had showing at the funeral home.  When I get a chance, I'm going to complete it with her funeral pictures and then "try" to somehow put it on YouTube or something for everyone to view.  People wonder how I have time to do this, but I've had severe insomnia and alongside that, THIS is my grieiving process... remembering.

Her funeral was more than beautiful.  Alexander Funeral Home was mostly white, which never occured to me.  Most funeral homes are dark, but this one was bright and white.. sacred and beautiful just like little Reagan.  Charley & I went in first to see her and we both lost it for a good 30 minutes.  But she was gorgeous.  Like a little porcelain doll.  We watched most of her video and then brought our family in to see her.  I semi-consoled them because my tears for the moment had passed.  Trenton, my nephew who is 4 1/2, did so very well with her.  He knows she's an angel in Heaven.  He brought purple daisies with a ribbon on it that said "Cousin" and laid them on her casket from him and his little brother, Clayton who is almost 3 months.  He smiled at her.  He even gave his Uncle Charley & myself a hard time saying the girls names backwards even though HE CAN tell them apart.  He knew there names for a long time.  And, his innocent smile made me smile throughout the day.  He would often run up to her casket and just peak inside and then look at me and smile.  He told his mommy and daddy that morning that he would get his shovel and bury her.  He was so good and after he lost his pink ribbon, he asked for another one and he even wore his pink ribbon on Thursday too.  He just can't understand why he can't see Addy yet.  That is the hard part. 

At the funeral home, we had many things to help us remember.  We had pink ribbons for people to tie around their car antennas to remember Reagan.  And, if you couldn't make it, that is something you can do.  Get you some pink ribbon and tie it around your car antenna.  When we see your car, we'll know you have our little girl in your thoughts and prayers.  We also had special pink ribbons for the family to wear and Annie Groves is the Vanderburgh County Coroner and my dad's cousin, she brought us some beautiful things including memory tears for us to wear, and a bereavement bear that I hold close to my heart. 

The rest of the day moved quickly.  People could not believe how small she was, but if you did see our beautiful little Reagan, in all honesty, that is the size of little Addy.  I barely got to see all the tags on all the beautiful planters, flowers, angels, and other remembrance items that FILLED the giant room.  It was such a beautiful site and at times I just sat there and stared at the room and stared at my daughter and smiled.  In just 1 hour and 27 minutes, and her 30 weeks in my womb, she touched more lives than some who lives as long as 75 years.  She has a heart of gold, and we are simply her advocates, her speakers, her parents...  For all your beautiful thoughts, prayers, and gifts, Charley & I, Addison, & Reagan, and our families are FOREVER grateful.... What a beautiful entrance to Heaven you helped give her...

Before the tucked her into her casket for good.  We got a hand mold of her right hand.  Such a beautiful memory.  My mom, her "Ma," put a pink beanie baby in there and her daddy put another one in there that was different.  She was wrapped warmly in my Great Aunt Cookie's lavendar blanket and at her feet we tucked her white blanket from the hospital.  She was in a beautiful, angelic dress with her cross pin at her neckline, her cross necklace draped around her neck (from her "Ma") and her bracelet with the initials RDB wrapped around her left arm (from her Great Aunt Sandy).  We tucked a picture of her and Addy inside with her.  And the little angels poem that came with her blanket, for she is now a little angel.

At the cemetery is where I started to feel at peace.  Charley carried her casket.  I'm so proud of him.  He held tight to his little girl and as we road to the cemetery in a Red Hummer (a personal option from our funeral director, she has left an impression in our hearts forever), he left his hand on her casket and stared at it the entire time.  At the cemetery, Kevin Morris said some beautiful words of prayer and as hot as it was, my mom keeps telling me about this cool breeze she felt.  She knew it was Reagan.  My nephew, Trenton, placed his flowers next to her casket.  And, we put a picture of Addy with her too.  Then, we had the most beautiful Lavendar baloon release ever.  Just as I thought my life would go one direction and it went another, the balloons did the same.  They shifted in air in a different direction than I anticipated and floated away to Heaven.  Tera told Trenton that Reagan was going to catch all of them and pass them out to the angels.  He just smiled.

Afterwards, we went to my parents for some dinner and to sort through "some" of the funeral stuff.  Then, we headed to the hospital.  They had a "Parent Care" room for us, so we stayed with Addy that night.  We were just down the hall.  They let us hold her and she just rested so peacefully in our arms.  We also placed Reagan's teddy bear from her casket in her isolette with the pink ribbon for the family and the pink car antenna ribbon, Reagan's obituary, and the picture of the 2 girls.  We're going to take all the beautiful photos of them and use those in Addy's room because we didn't have anything for their walls.  We just don't want Addy to ever forget her twin sister.  She knew her better than any of us and her sissy protected her and gave her life, because without Reagan holding on as long as she did.. Addy wouldn't do as well as she has.  In fact, one of the NICU nurses often reminds us.. Addy knew her sister was in distress and they don't know why, but in cases like this, babies develop faster.  She said it's sort of God's consolation prize for the pain we endure. 

As of now, we are focusing on Addy.  We have been forever grateful to receive some money in her fund.  We weren't sure what to do with it yet.  We thought about entrusting it in Addy's name.  We thought about helping to pay for our plots next to Reagan or the rising medical expenses that have come our way with having fetal surgery and having a baby in the NICU, but then we remembered.  We need a headstone and we wanted something beautiful for her and were greatly afraid we weren't going to be able to afford what we wanted.  So, we are putting that towards that for now.  Whatever is left, we'll figure out later. 

A little story about Reagan's plot.  9 years ago, a friend of mine.  (I knew her in elementary school well, but we didn't see or talk to each other much in high school).  She was beautiful.  She was killed in a car accident on Frame Road.  When we went to pick plots, I just wasn't happy with what we were finding.  So, we asked were Dacia was buried.  And, sure enough, there were plots next to her.  There was Dacia's plots, then her family purchased 3 plots to her right.  Then, Charley & I bought plots.  So, it goes, Charley's plot, Reagan's plot, my plot, my mom's plot, and my dad's plot.  Reagan is now in Heaven and we sent Dacia a little angel to hold onto until we can get there to hold onto her ourselves.  But, in short, Dacia's plot has a picture of her and she's gorgeous and her headstone is beautiful.  We want something smaller, but we want a picture of our little girl on her tombstone.  So, we're using that fund for that and we hope we can afford to purchase her a beautiful piece that everyone can visit... plus I'm sure Addy will appreciate it when she gets older.



Now, this endless post is 1/2 over!  It's time for little miss Addy and SOME PICTURES!!

Addy is doing great.  We called many times on Tuesday and Wednesday to talk to her nurses.  They started her on 5ccs of formula every 4 hours on Sunday and have gradually increased her.  She went to 6ccs every 4, and then 6ccs every 3 hours, and then Tuesday we were at 7ccs, and then Wednesday at 8ccs, and Thursday she was taking 9ccs every 3 hours!  She'll get to 10ccs and just increase her body weight until she's ready to bottle feed which will be a few weeks yet.  I think Charley said she was up to 2lb 15ounces now from 2lb 12ounces, but we aren't sure.  She did pass her meconium on Friday and Saturday last week, but I guess she hadn't passed any stool from her feedings and that was what was taking time for her jaundice levels to go down.  But, when I saw her Thursday morning before my Crohn's treatment, she was on her bili light and they were waiting on Dr. Grant to come see her.  Charley saw her on her bili light around 9:30am and then around 2:00pm, my mom and I walked in and she was off her bili light!! YEAH!   So, she now has the prettiest pink and sage flowered blanket over her isolette for some darkness and she is growing. 

Thursday morning, I got to change her diaper and check her temperature.  There isn't much that we get to do with her yet with all her tubes and such, but I love getting to parent my daughter.  Love changin her diaper, seeing her little butt, and trying to figure out how to get these Preemie smalls to fit her little rearend!   She could wear the micro-preemie diapers, but they put her in the Preemie-Size S to hold all her excretions.  I think it's terribly cute though.  They gave us a couple for her scrapbook.

I got to hold her yesterday too.  I hogged her.  My mom sat over my shoulder and just stared at her pretty face. She said it was worth it just to see her.  We checked out her toes, she's got mommy's toes! (But, her Wednesday night nurse took one look at daddy and one look at Addy and goes, whoa... she looks JUST like her daddy!   I agree, and she's going to be beautiful!!!!) She was so peaceful on my chest.  So peaceful in fact that her oxygen levels kept going TOO high.  They sometimes have to put her on room air when I hold her because she breathes so easily like that.  She's not been much higher than 25% lately and 21% is room air.  So, because it was busy, I just let her rest on my chest and I rubbed the bottoms of her feet and it kept her oxygen levels within normal range.  Getting to hold my little girl is all I need.  I just cannot believe she is mine. 

As for me, I'm doing good.  I was SOO exhausted yesterday.  I had my benadryl at my treatment (and I'm doing well) and it gave me about an hours sleep.  But all night Wednesday night, I'd wait every 20-30 minutes thinking it was 7am.  Time was moving slowly, but fast all in one.  I got a lecture from Addy's NICU nurse about rest and taking care of myself.  But, she said if I couldn't sleep, then I should be there.  She told me to call anytime.  I am resting, but that is my daughter up there and if all I can do is just watch her.. it's fine by me.  She's beautiful and she's mine and I know some parents have a hard time with the NICU, but for me... that's my child.. and I'll do whatever it takes to be with her.  I did the same for her sister, and I won't let Addy down either.  But, I did tell her nurse I was taking the night off because the past few days had been overwhelming.  I called my family doc and got a prescription for Ambien.  Boy, that was great!  I slept 11 hours and got up maybe twice.  I had trouble getting back to sleep, but when I did I'd sleep some more.  My bowels are working appropriately it seems now too.  So, we're getting back on track.  I'm still sore and still have healing to do, but doing well otherwise.

Today, Charley is picking Trenton up to go swimming and I think I'm going to run a few errands and run up to the hospital.  Charley & I will go together later this evening I'm sure.  I'm slowly trying to get some things done.  We'll probably go to my parents tonight and sort through the funeral stuff and figure out what we want where.

Many of you know we aren't people to ask for anything.  We have a great family and great friends that support us in everyway, but we try doing everything ourselves.  As I start to realize more and more about life and the friends and family we have, I realize that I should let my guard down a little.  We are trying to organize our lives a little more for what the weeks to come will bring.  Many NICU trips are ahead of us, as well as getting her nursery together, taking back some things of Reagan's and getting more things for Addy...  we are simply overwhelmed.  Some things we must do by ourselves, some things my mom has already offered to help because she needs that healing process with us.  But, a few things I thought that would be helpful to us in case you would like to help (and this is HUGE for me! I never ask for help, but if anyone would like to..here is what we need):

Meals - This is harder than I thought. We have a fridge full of food to cook, but we are never home to cook it between being at the NICU and running errands getting ready for Addy.  I know my diet is a little funny, but basically, I cannot handle fried foods, terribly greasy foods, corn, or nuts.  Everything else is pretty game.  I do better with chicken than red meats, but I do tolerate lean ground beef it seems.

Keep an eye on us - This grieving process is different for both of us and added the stress of the NICU makes it worse.  Charley will go back to work on Monday. If you know us, watch us.  If you see Charley (I'm especially worried about him), talk to him.  Make sure he doesn't need anything.  He'll tell you he's alright, but he's not.  He needs to talk about his daughters.  He's still bottling up.  This blog is my outlet, and he just is trying to stay strong for his daughter and wife.. but I know he needs to get it out and he doesn't tell me too much because he doesn't want to weigh me down right now.  He's been a wonderful husband though... wonderful.


Anyway, thank you again for all the wonderful support.  Here are some updated photos of Addy!  

6 days old - Enjoying the Bili lights!  She LOVES to sleep like this....


Loungin' her feet


No more bili lights!!!


Here's how I eat: 9ccs every 3 hours - I'm going to get big like this! (P.S. That's only about 1/3 an ounce!)


See my sissy's bear?  She gave it to me.



Mommy's hand on my head - And, that white thing is my IV in my hand.  They wrap it up because I like to pull wires out of myself now.


Oh, let me stretch!!!!!!!!!


Grandma, would you stop.. this is gettin' hard trying to pose for you!


Aww...much better...


Do you HAVE to put me back in the isolette?  Come on mommy, tell the nurse I'm not ready!