That's right, a walk to remember.  My mom and I took Addy in her stroller to the St. Mary's Medical Center Walk to Remember in memory of Reagan.  It was certainly bittersweet.  I felt compelled to take Addy with us because Addy never got to go to her sissy's funeral.  Granted, she won't know, but I'm constantly fearful of what Addy may "feel" later on in life.  So, Charley & I are striving to the best of our knowledge to tell her about Reagan.  When we play with her and talk to her now, we always talk about Reagan.  I think the only time we leave Reagan out of ANY conversation is when we're out in public.  Sometimes we spell out the truth to strangers, and sometimes we just shrug it off. 

The worst comments are:
"Do you have other children?" referring to Addy
To my mom - "Is this your 1st granddaughter?" referring to Addy

All of which, we determine our response based on our feelings that day I think.  If we want to tell others, we say it, if we just don't want to get involved with it...we simply give them a generic answer.

Our hearts constantly want to scream.. "NO! Addy is our 2nd daughter, our 1st daughter only lived 1 1/.2 hours."  The ones that get me are "oh, the 1st granddaughter!" It burns me because Reagan and Addy would of been spoiled the same.  In fact, we returned Reagan's clothes and bought Preemie outfits for Addy.

Speaking of Preemie clothes.... Addy is STILL wearing them!  Her Carter's Newborn size is "just about" to start fitting.  She weighed 6lb 11oz last night!  Such a big girl anymore.  This means she has gained 3lb 10.6oz since she was born!  Her Gymboree Preemie clothes fit pretty good as long as she has an undershirt on (if not, her pants are TOO big! and these fit to 7lbs).  Her Preemies that she is still wearing and they really have just started fitting well... are "up to 5lbs."  She's just a little peanut still!   Yet, to us...SHE'S HUGE!

Anyway, back to Reagan.  We miss her dearly.  Some days I wake up, and it doesn't seem or even feel real.  We're trying to get into a schedule and get back into the day to day business of life...and it's so hard.  Not only did we bury our daughter, but we brought home a Preemie too.  Don't get me wrong, we are incredibly grateful for Addy, but it's incredibly difficult too, as I suspected.  Taking care of Addy is nothing.  She's a baby and doing normal baby things with the addition of some "preemie" precautions.  BUT, she is ALWAYS a constant reminder of what I'm missing with Reagan.  And, at certain points, they resemble each other so much.  In fact, on Friday night, Addy was sleeping SOOO soundly that when I looked in on her before heading to the bathroom (the lighting was bad) she looked so still and lifeless and almost grey.  I freaked out.  It was a dead on impression of Reagan when she was lifeless in my arms.  I immediately put my hand to Addy's chest.  She jumped and looked at me and then fell right back to sleep.  Then, I let my heart slow down from it's racing status!  Things like this are hard.  We went and got Addy's 2 1/2 month pictures taken last week and we didn't have Reagan.  So, we are "finding" things of Reagan to include in Addy's photo.  We'll try and post a few of those photos once we have them.  Our dear friend, Stephen R. McDonald, The Photographer, took some awesome photos and we officially have a family photo.  Again, Reagan is missing...so we'll never truly have a "family" photo... it's things like those that hurt....

As for Addy and those "Preemie Precatusion"  They include..For instance, her linens get washed daily. She gets a sleeper at night and an outfit for the day.  New blankets both times.  New pacifiers every 2-3 days (well re-sanitized), all bottles sanitized after each feeding, her stroller and infant carrier are wiped down regularly.  And, the same goes for work.  I walk around with hand sanitizer, Clorox Anywhere, Germ-X towelettes, and Lysol.... And, if it hits the floor...it's dirty..regardless of where it is!  May seem excessive, but I'd rather be obsessive with this then back in the hospital on a pediatric floor with a bunch of sick kids.  In addition, we've decided to ban children from our home.  And, we're not too horribly keen on people coming into our home, but certain situations do apply.  If you are sick, don't even THINK about coming by!  Even if it's just the sniffles. ACK!  Sorry, off on a tangent there, but anyway, Addy is really an easy baby and I love her to death.  We had a mishap with bottles last week.  We had to go out and buy brand new bottles.  She was SO terribly gassy and fussy.  My mom mentioned "colic" and I thought.."no way!"  I just could not fathom Addy having colic this late in the game.  What we discovered is that the powder form of her formula is causing excessive bubbles and gas.  We cannot use mylicon drops or gripe water for her because she's a preemie and those dosing schedules are entirely different.  That being said, we COULD try the Ready to Feed formulas, but they are terribly expensive and NOT worth it!  SO, in order to stick with powder, we HAD to make a bottle change from Playtex Nurser to Dr. Brown's Bottles...and...OH MY GOODNESS!! IF you have a baby.. GET YOU A DR. BROWN!!  They are AMAZIN!  We fed her 6 in a row with the Dr. Brown's and she SLEPT and then we decided to re-try her Playtex nursers...and..she was miserable for 4 straight feedings.  So, off to the store we went and we now own stock in Dr. Brown's!! And, they are so much fun to wash since they have 6 pieces to these bottles that you must assemble!

This is such a "rambling" post and I'm deeply sorry!  I hope to get back to regular posting soon.  Life "should" start to calm down a bit as we settle into winter.  I don't forsee us taking Addy out too much in the coming months (except for the basics) because she's so little and maintaining body temperature will be difficult.  So, HOPEFULLY, we'll be getting back into the swing of things shortly..

As for Reagan, if you'd like to remember her tomorrow, October 15th is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness day.  At 7pm, we will light a candle for Reagan.  And, I'm "hoping" to visit her grave tomorrow and put some flowers down for her or something... and maybe take Addy up there for the very first time. 

As for Addy, she's getting cuter by the day.  She is just now starting to "look" at things.  So, we bought her a Fisher Price Rainforest Mobile to use during the day time and we have a Playskool Infant gym to use at home.  She REALLY just likes to sit and STARE at all the colors and we run the lights and sounds sometimes, but sometimes it's TOO much stimulation and she just wants to LOOK at it!  We bought her a few other random toys to start to help stimulation her little brain.  We've noticed her neck muscles are looking really good too!  WOW!  She's a strong little girl...and my oh my....what a story she is going to be able to tell one day..

Here's a video and I'll post more photos later when I've got a bit more time and sleep!
Addy plays
Addy plays #2