Yes, you read it right.... picking up the pieces!

As I sit here, 11pm at night, with a 7lb baby girl peacefully sleeping on my chest, I keep thinking...."I need to do this, then this, then that, then this, and oh ya, that thing too!"  I'm overly frustrated at this point, or so I think.  Moms tell me you never get back "into the swing of things," but I fathom that my situation is a billion times different.  Addy really hasn't interrupted our lives.  She has easily (with the exception of her birth and NICU stay) manuevered herself into our lives.  Sure, we're up 2 times a night, sometime more if she's cranky, and then the alarm goes off at 7am (unless we're already up), and we spent countless hours washing and sterilizing anything that touches her, but it's just humorous to me!  I should of snapped a picture of what it's like when you don't do laundry for a week with a Preemie!  We wash anything that hits the ground and change her twice a day (morning and nighttime bath).  Anyway, about 5 loads later, her linens and clothes FILLED her crib!  Heck, Charley & I's laundry for 2 weeks is only 4-5 loads (including towels and sheets)!

Anyway, back to the subject.  There are still days that go by that I just "wonder."  Some days I wake up sleep deprived and stare at Addy and can't believe she's MY daughter.  Sometimes, I wonder what Reagan would be doing right now.  Sometimes I wonder why Reagan was taken from us so soon.  Sometimes I think this is all just a dream and I'm going to wake up any minute and none of it will be true.  Sometimes I feel blessed and sometimes I feel cursed.  And, worst of all, sometimes I don't even think Reagan is real.  She was such a beautiful little soul that rejuvenated spirits and comforted hearts from afar.  She regrew peoples faith and she gave testimony to the word "HOPE."  And, yes, I still wonder if she's real sometimes.  Maybe it's just lack of sleep?  Maybe it's denial?  Maybe it's my hurting heart.

So, we move forward.  We have so much to do still that it's overwhelming.  We receive medical bills and collections notices almost daily.  It's heartbreaking.  One of the most recent ones was Addy & Reagan's bills from the NICU doctors.  Addy's bill (JUST for the doctors) totaled more than $20,000 for 54 days in the NICU.  On Reagan's bill, we were billed for her admission into the NICU and "resusication."  No, that's not a typo, it's true...our baby girl was resusicated in the NICU.    I sometimes just push them to the side and mess with them later.  My girls are completely worth it, don't get me wrong, and our insurance is truly awesome considering all of our claims, but we are paying out $4500 in medical bills this year alone and we found out that come January, we'll owe another $3000 - $1500 for me to receive my Remicade and $1500 for Addy to receive her Synagis.  So, within about 9 months, we must fork out $7500, enough to buy a pretty decent car, outright.  We've paid about $1100 and we've gotten about $500 in medical assistance from Cincinnati, but that still leaves another $6400 and that doesn't even include all the ultrasounds we had for Reagan and all the other bills that are "in question."  Mainly, those are our collection notices.  I think that's most of the overwhelming stuff.

We keep slowly trying to get back to our schedule, but we keep finding ourselves at home.  I finally bowled for the first time since December tonight.  It felt great!  (In fact, I bowled a 180-180-184 - Not too bad, I'd like to have my 195+ average back soon, but baby steps!)  Then there is my Premier Designs Jewelry Business.  I LOVE my business and I have my first show scheduled since Reagan's diagnosis back in April for November 11th.  I might have a show for January too.  I'm REALLY excited about it, but nervous in the same token.  Yet, it is really hard to restart my business with all that has happened, but I hold out hope that I can rebuild my business.  It was going pretty strong and steady before our pregnancy!

Charley has gotten back into his work "groove."  And, we're both slowly trying to get Addy on some sort of "pattern."  Not necessarily a schedule, but a pattern.  She's starting to be more and more alert, so we feed every 3-4 hours and our schedule basically goes: diaper, eat, play, sleep.  And we repeat 6-8 times a day.  We've bought her a few new toys too to help stimulate her.  But, you can sometimes see her get cranky within 2-3 minutes. Why?  Overstimulation.  Even though she's nearly 3 months and should be playing, she's very much a newborn and even just watching a bright mobile turn above her head for 3-5 minutes can wear her down to the point of exhaustion....  But, she is getting bigger and showing just how strong she is.  We are worried about her development issues, but our family doctor is keeping close tabs on her and we're pretty positive we'll be referred to First Steps of Indiana, a developmental program for children who aren't on the curve, so to speak.  She is getting better and better with head support though. 

Anyway, that's all for now, I do most certainly promise to keep up with more and more updates.  My excuse for the last week is because we FILLED 3 SD camera cards!!  We had 3 1/2 gigabytes of photos, video, and other things..and we are just NOW deleting the photos and burning them to CDs so we can take MORE photos and videos to share with everyone.  Please don't abandon our blog!  We hope you enjoy watching Addy grow up as much as we enjoy sharing her with everyone.  We may not be able to let the world see and touch her, but the least we can do for all of those that have been amazing to us, is to share her with the world via this blog, as she has the faith and determination of her sister... she's most certainly a fighter too.  Reagan is our Angel in Heaven and Addy is our Angel on Earth.  We firmly believe Addy is going to grow up to be an amazing woman someday.  She started with such an amazing story, and we are constantly telling her about Reagan and we are VERY proud of her and her accomplishments... even at 3am...