Many have no idea what this feels like and we're so happy you don't.  And if you have, we grieve WITH you and we empathize with you.  I found this article on a website that I read, but have yet to start posting on their message boards.  It just about spelled out our lives.  We *often* put our grieve on the back-burner to ensure we're taking care of Addy.  Such a painful thing to do, but necessary at times.  It's the unfortunate truth of losing a twin (or one or more of your multiples).

"One twin"--it seems like a contradiction in terms...It was not something we ever would have imagined at the time of learning that we were expecting twin babies, and everything became "twos". Yet for so many of us, because of the high risks in pregnancy and birth, it is the way it turned out: we have one to care for and raise while missing and mourning for his or her twin. We experience all the realities of becoming a parent at the very same time as all the realities of becoming a bereaved parent, and all in one package. Not this year and next year, but all at once now, and "my twins". We grieve for our baby and for our twins being together, and we worry about the impacts on our survivor. It is often a deeply sad, confusing, and physically and emotionally exhausting time. We're the last ones who need to be told to be grateful when a baby lives--yet finding joy in our survivor can be a huge challenge, for so many reasons, even though we need and want to all the more, and want our child to be happy. As if this weren't enough, many of us experience feeling like we don't fit in anywhere, and that no one understands what we are having to go through and cope with. We also usually receive comments by others who may mean well but aren't trying to "get it", urging us to downplay or even deny our loss. (Like we want to hurt so much--but it hurts more to act like this baby was the only one or that our other child didn't matter.) With all the attention paid to living multiples, and little shown of the risks and realities, it is also easy to feel that we truly are the only one and are much more unique than (sadly) we actually are. Just when others think we are or should be doing fine, is often when we need the most support. Because of all the realities and pressures of caring for a newborn (and for many, having a tiny survivor who is in the NICU) none of us is in the position of being able to "only" grieve, as painful as that is. Many of us find that the grieving process really begins when we bring our survivor home, and for many of us that means after weeks or months in the NICU (and just when others might think everything would be "normal" now). Later also there are pressures from others and from within ourselves to be "fine", to be coping, to not expect to spend much time thinking about our baby who died or doing what we need to do in relation to him or her. Sometimes we get used to putting our grief to the side and then it can seem scary to get in touch with it when we do have the opportunity or the need. But--we have the same amount of grief as anyone who loses a baby, plus the grief for "my twins" and the concern for our survivor, and so it gets stretched out over a fairly long period of time--longer, not shorter because of having a survivor, and complicated, not "easier". Besides our sheer feelings of losing our baby, we have a great deal to re-live and process emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and even physically about what happened, "why" it happened, and how to somehow integrate it all into our ongoing life. While all that is going on, we are dealing with a birthday which is also the birthday, and then the anniversary, of our twin who died...other landmarks and day-to-day reminders...issues about talking to our survivor and about what they may be feeling, and similar for any older children we may have...and often, issues about another pregnancy.

It hits home.  Grief is so much harder because we lose focus of it.  All that said, we don't have regrets.  In fact, we don't apologize to anyone for what we did to prepare for Reagan's loss and what we did during delivery and what we did afterwards.  Sure, we wish we could of held onto them longer (pregnancy) to give Addy a better chance and to hold onto the hope Reagan gave us, but we have accepted the reality.  Do we think it's fair? No, absolutely not.  Do we understand why it happened?  No, absolutely not.  Do we wish we could take it back it start over?  No, absolutely not.  Why?  Because if we did, we might not have Addy and she has been the light of our world.  Even as a child, I never had regrets.  I always said that my mistakes and failures made me stronger and why would I regret them if it made me who I was today and I'm happy?  And, I live with that truth today.  I don't have regrets about any of this.  Does it still hurt? Absolutely!  Will it continue to hurt? You betcha.  Will it get easier?  Yes, some day...  Will we still have bad days?  You'd better believe it.  Everything Addy celebrates is a sense of celebration AND grief.  How do you combine that oxymoron?  You can't, but you do because you have to.  And, because you are never ready to lose a child, you deal with it as it comes and you take each day and moment in stride the best you know how...

We are so very thankful for Addy, more than we can described, but her birth also pains our hearts at times...knowing that each time Addy does something.. Reagan would of done it around that time too and the fact that we won't see Reagan do the same.  Instead, our consolation prize with all this?  We visit her grave and we do things the best we know how.  We take a pumpkin up for Halloween, we put a beautiful arrangement on her grave for Christmas.  We'll do a balloon release on her and Addy's birthday.  We'll celebrate the 1 year anniversary of burying her likely with flowers at her grave... and.. we do other things.. we plan on planting a tree around her birthday next year.. and we light candles in memory..we do scrapbooks and write our thoughts down..we read books on grief.. and we try each day to heal a little more.  Our hearts will never mend completely, but in time...they will get better...

That said, we are working on Reagan's headstone, another way to remember.  And, something that we are thinking of placing on the stone:

An angel in the book of life wrote down our baby's birth, and whispered as she closed the book, "To Beautiful for Earth."

Reagan, even with such an anomaly, was the most beautiful angel we know...and she belongs to us.. how amazing is that?

Here are pics of the grave blanket we took up there.  I actually went by myself and cleaned up her grave a bit and rearranged a few things.  It looks SOOOO much better in person.  It has TONS of sparkly leaves and flowers...if you live around us, she's buried in Rose Hill in Newburgh up at the top of the hill.  You can email me for specifics...Not that we expect you to visit, but if you chose too and if you'd like to see her arrangement in person..



THere is a silver butterfly in the arrangement.  Butterflies are just our theme.  Likely, we'll have those on her headstone in some way or another...


Grandma bought her the purple stained glass stake.  We found it at a craft show.  Handmade and beautiful!!!